Fall Crafts

The Final Pregnancy

Knowing this is my final time being pregnant changes the way I look at this pregnancy. I want it to slow down a little... this is the last time I will ever be 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I cherish every little tenderness and twinge. I don't want it to end. This is what the little one looks like:

hard to believe this is going to grow into anything resembling a child. Some hilights of what is going on this week...
1. first signs of heartbeat begin.
2. umbilical cord develops
3. baby's blood is now pumping
4. most other organs start to develop
5. arm and leg buds appear

How amazing. I am so in love with this experience.

Oh my how life is changing.

I checked my blog today and noticed that I haven't made an entry since June. Yikes.

I am thinking it is a good time to start keeping a collection of my thoughts again becuase I am in for a wonderful change.

Jon and I have been talking for the last few years about expanding our family. Our minds were always set to no, but our hearts proved to have different ideas of thier own. Our baby, Ruby turned three in June. With this, I started realizing that I wasn't ready for this phase of my life to be over. I missed everything about being pregnant and being a new mother. I missed holding my babies, and being proud of all the new accomplishments. I yearned for another child.

The girls went off to preschool this august and it broke my heart. I started to feel less needed and empty. I knew that something was missing...and after months of talking it over, we decided that the missing piece was another child. Our family was great the way it was, and we are so lucky get to be Delaney and Ruby's parents, but it was time to add another member.

So, September was the month to try. I took two tests on September 29th with faint lines on both. I took two more tests on October 1st....and this is the result.

The little plus on the left means positive. Both tests turned out this way. If calculations are correct, then today i am 5 weeks and 1 day.

and so this begins....im am so happy...

in bloom.

i feel so alive lately. its definately one of the times in my cycle that i am feel very intensely, the world. i have had so many great conversations with family and friends, inspired by great music, watched my garden bloom, felt a clarity with my work, and a deeper connection with my husband. its been a glorious month so far. i am enjoying...and never want the day to end.

i am one of those people that gets so completely swept up in a moment. i feeeeeel....i am so sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of those around me, and find myself completely consumed with a moment, that the weight of it, can literally crush me. i daydream to the point of being lost in own head. when i think of what it means to be alive....i cant begin to handle it...being alive? really? what does this mean? and why do i get to do it? i tend to be an introvert, not only because of my social anxiety, but just because i spend most of my time locked away in myself. i dont even know where i am sometimes. i feel silly and childish, but at the same time, proud of the fact that i will never loose that endless imagination, and horribly saddend by the fact that it is possible.

i am a silly heart.

but the thing that i am most proud of this is, i know it about myself. i have taken the time to discover these things about myself...read my actions and thoughts, and be proud of them. its ok to be these things, but with great balance. the downside? i accomplish little in the idea of tangible tasks. i never keep my house clean, make a complete meal, finish the laundry, complete a sewing project, or pay bills early. it is impossible for me. it makes my skin crawl. i drift from one task to another, without the littlest idea of how to accomplish them.

my to do lists rarely involve housekeeping. they revolve around... hug the kids, make a craft, tell my husband i love him, tell a friend i am thankful for them, tell a joke, tell someone they are beautiful, lend a hand, help, cherish, smile, laugh, act rediculous. these are the real things i want to accomplish in a day. these are things that make me feel calm while counting my blessings before i sleep. so, my days are spent trying to find a balance, but it is SO hard.

what will wake me up? i have spent years waiting for this pivital moment where i will feel like i will become an adult. but when i think of an adult, of think of a man in a suit with a straight face. i never want to grow up. i want to stay this six year old child for the rest of my life. is this ok? even after falling in love, getting married, becoming a mother, and buying a home, i still feel like i need to pinch myself.

who gave this child all this responsiblity?

could have been a better day...

well, today wasn't the best day ever, despite my efforts to get out of the house and see something new.
i was successful at picking out a few hardwood doors from a man who fixes up houses in west central neighborhood. the doors are so beautiful and show such age. my wish is to hang them vertically on the fence and build planter boxes on them to house my herb and small vegetable garden. i am excited about this. all i have to do now, is arrange a pick up with a large enough vehicle to haul them. what a wonderful project.
i decided today to try and challenge my sewing capabilities. i have been looking for a few new summer items and have turned up empty handed. everything for sale right now seems such like a throw back to the 80s and i have no desire to go down that path again. every item is littered with sequins, chains, and busy patterns. when it comes to fashion i like to keep things simple. solid colors, and flattering lines seem to do me well. i love cotton and comfortable clothes that i can feel feminine and pretty in, but do the laundry in at the same time. i have decided that i want to get back to wearing dresses this summer. i used to wear long cotton skirts most days, and always felt perfect in them. then came the maternity clothes phase in my life, where everything felt frumpy. after living that out for a few years, i felt like i lost touch with clothing in general. i am now becoming sure of what i like to wear again. so, i went to joanns and picked up a pattern for a simple dress. its a high waisted, slightly gathered, comfortable looking dress. it is something that i can see myself being at the park in...because being outside in the summer seems to happen most days. and....i hate being hot. i am nothing short of a miserable person when i get overheated. so, we will see what this venture turns out. hopefully something that i can be proud of. id like to make 5, and wear them most days of the week. what is more perfect that a wonderful summer dress and a pair of sandals?
the twist that made this day a negative one, is my children. today, i felt like an inadequate mother. my kids have been extremely challenging this last week. they have been coming up with really mean, and hateful things to say to each other, and to me. i have had play dates this week, and have been so disappointed in their words, and actions. i know that i have tried really hard to instill a sense of thankfulness, and awareness of other's feelings. this week, they have not exhibited it at all. i am currently trying to figure out what has been causing this hostility, and what i can do to remove this, so i can have my kind, patient, and generous girls back. i do miss them dearly.
another bad result of the chaotic day.....a haircut and a black permanent marker. i spent nearly two hours this evening cleaning the girls room. i sorted all the little toys...petshop animals and their accessories, my little ponies, rubber princess dolls, and dresses, dress up clothes, necklaces, hair ties, clothes....and had to rid the room of any unnecessary items for the garage sale this weekend. i also swept and shampooed the carpets. their rooms were immaculate. upon loosing myself in the whirlwind of cleaning, i discovered that i had not seen the girls for a good 15 min. so, it was time to investigate. and, i found them. sitting under my cutting table in my studio. ruby was drawing all over delaney's face, hands, and feet with black permanent marker, and delaney was giving ruby a quite boyish looking haircut. this made me furious! but honestly, being the mother i am, out of shock, i couldn't contain my smile. there has been numerous occasions in the last few weeks, where they have gotten ahold or markers and scissors, and had a very serious talks about these problems....and i couldn't believe that they would pull something like this. so tomorrow i will spend fixing ruby's hair by giving her quite a short haircut, and scrubbing marker off of delaney. i was just too exhausted after the day to tackle such a feat. hopefully no one will mistake ruby for a boy when i am done with her.
so, this is the point in the day, where i must reflect, see what i did right, and bask in it, and try to repeat it the next day, and also figure out where i faulted, and try to change that behavior into something more productive tomorrow.
all i know is, that im ready to have my husband home again. its day number 5 without him. i could use a second pair of hands, and second set of patience, and a sounding board to figure out my day.
tonight my cousin jaime is coming over. we are going to stay up late and drink some wine, and try to refresh ourselves for the brand new day that is inevitably coming.

too long of a while....

my ideas of having a fully functioning blog, for some reason, still alludes me. i read so many others, and wonder how they keep up on theirs so well. i find blogs so lovely. its as if sometimes, you are peeking in someone else's diary. i love that level of intimacy. its not on a regular basis that i would happen to talk about things that deep in a casual conversation with a friend on any given day.

so, thank goodness for blogs. they are one of those things that i just can't get enough of.

i feel so very alive in this moment. in the cycle of my awareness...it doesn't get much more intense than this. i think what triggers this, is my connection to creating things. seeing something beautiful coming from my hands makes me feel such a sense of purpose. this can translate into anything....sewing..crafting with the girls...a healthy marriage....and the most beautiful thing of all, my children. i think they are the most wonderful things i have ever created.

my sewing machine is speaking such inspiring words to me. feeling in tune with it, is...magical. sometimes i will sit and make things, and feel inept with managing the simplest things, and other times, i feel like everything that comes from it is gold.

i remember last summer having a good conversation with a new friend in my backyard who is a master of her medium. she spoke to me about redefining her artistic message. this began me on the path to finding mine. such a simple idea. everything you create, you are speaking through it. what am i trying to say with my items? are they speaking through the heart? and showcasing that in life which inspires me? i had never thought much about this. i just made things i felt were pleasing to the eye, but never felt much of owning them. this new lease on my creative journey, made me feel much more tied and involved in the things that i was making. which then made my items have much more purpose. since then, i have felt a oneness with my wares. its a direct translation of what i think is beautiful, and of the things that exist that move me.

another reason i have felt so good, is finding people to share the particular medium i work in. i have had times in the past, that i felt so archaic working with a sewing machine. i remember telling a few people that, yes, i did in fact stay home on a Saturday night and i sewed. not a whole lot of reactions from the people in my life may me feel supported. 'really? you know how to sew? who does that anymore?' but in the last 6 months i have met a whole new group of people that find that it is completely normal to own a sewing machine, and have the same passion as i do when it comes to creating things with it. i am so in LOVE with this moment. stumbling across this has seemed so monumental to me. the feeling of acceptance does wonders for my self esteem. having connections with people that share this love...just makes my heart super happy.

so, for all of these things, i feel that i am finding my creative voice. everyday i see something new that i try and translate into fabric. and each day, i engage in a solid, inspiring conversation with my sewing machine and new friends that make me feel so wonderful about it.

yay for my life right now.

yay for my sewing machine.