Life is so, so, so good.
I am lucky to be alive.
I am lucky to be a mother.
I am lucky to be a wife.
I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Lucy's Birth

I promised myself when I was pregnant that as soon as I had Lucy, I would document her birth story so I would remember every moment of it.  Sadly, she will be three months tomorrow, and some of the details have become fuzzy.  The beauty of time is that I am already forgetting the pain.  It becomes a distant memory and in it's place, I find Her.
I couldn't sleep the night before, I tossed and turned, fretted and worried.  And being my third, I knew the pain I was in for...or at least thought I did.  I kept visioning the moment that they would place her on my tummy right after the final push, and decided that it would be what I would focus on during labor.  There is no greater reward for any work I will ever do, then that instant she is out. 
5:45 came fast.  I awoke and showered.  This was an important element of my morning.  With the girls, labor struck me late at night and early in the morning.  I almost hated seeing the pictures of moms with new babies...hair done, makeup on, looking completely unscathed.  I always a mess, but with the craziest smile on my face.  For some reason, it was important for me to have my legs shaved and looking like I was ready for what was about to happen.
I arrived at the hospital at 7am for the induction.  They showed me to the room, which was at the end of the hallway, almost secluded from all the other moms.  As we walked in, I remember the nurse turning to me and saying, "you were planing on forgoing the epidural right?"  I figured the seclusion was to keep me away from the moms laboring peaceful...I am sure the moaning would scare them.
I decided to keep the clothes on I wore in.  Nothing freaks me out and makes me feel uncomfortable as hospital garb.  Every time I see that horrible pattern on the sandpaper cotton, it reminds me I'm in the hospital.  Hate it.
I was feeling such mixed emotions in that moment.  I had never been induced, so when labor started naturally both times, there was no room for anything but focus.  This time, I just lay there, and for the first time was full of dread.  I hated this feeling. I wanted to flee the room. How did I let my doctor talk me into induction?  I wanted to run, return home and wait for her to make the decision to arrive. In the midst of the panic, the nurse arrived. She was so reassuring, I decided to go through with it.  She told me that only 2% of inductions end without and epidural, but it was possible and that she respected my wishes of no pain intervention. I was there checked in, my girls were set up the next three nights at grandparent's houses, and I was going to have to go through with this at some point.
I was checked before the pitocin and was close to 4cm and 95% effaced. The nurse told me that there wouldn't be the need for much pitocin since my numbers were so close to being in active labor. The bag was hung, and the drip was started..I had no clue what I was in for. 
Within minutes, I could feel the contractions. They started as low aches, almost feeling like braxton hicks and within a matter of what seemed like minutes, it was on.  I used the birthing ball to help with pressure and managed the waves of pain, and had little trouble sinking into the peaceful focused state and had used times before.  My doctor broke my water at 10:30 and found I was at 5cm.  Lucy's head was so low she could hardly relieve any fluids.  At 11, I was 6cm, and at noon I found myself in transition. 
That 7cm jump on pitocin was indescribable.  I never could imagine that a body could feel that amount of pain.  I trembled, gripped that handrails, shook my body back and forth and groaned long and deep.  After the two longest hours of my life, at 1:30pm, I had made it to 9cm.  In the midst of those two hours, as the relentless waves of pain came, it was so hard to remain in control.  These  pitocin contractions were wicked...earth shattering...evil. I screamed, and I cried. I pleaded with my body to remain in control.
At 2, the bed was taken apart, the stirrups were attached. I was put on my back, and my nurse turned off the pitocin. They agreed the my body could make it from here.  I was 9 and three quarters...a glimmer from ten.  I was instructed to give a few pushes and that last bit of my cervix would not budge.  As I pushed, the doctor pushed back, trying to lift it over Lucy's head so she could come out.  This pain I felt, made me almost beg for transition again. I remember screaming at my doctor to leave me alone.  I begged her to just let my body become ready on it's own.  I saw a nod of her head and the beep of the pitocin being turned back on.  I heard the words "all the way up" and I knew that no matter my wishes, they were making the decisions.  I remember feeling a little angry, and making myself channel that madness into those final four pushes.  After a final determined scream and the feeling of fire, it was all over.
At 2:45 pm, Lucy was on my tummy.  That moment that I had pictured earlier that morning was alive.  I could finally see her dark hair, her long fingers and perfectly pink skin.  In that moment, all that pain seemed like it was a distant memory, something that happened to me decades ago. I heard her screams during the apgar test and knew she was ok.
After having a child without an epidural, your body is alive. I felt like I wanted to jump up, run the halls, hug everyone in the room...jump for joy. I felt wonderful. I could have conquered the world in that moment. I couldn't stop smiling.  That moment, everything in my world couldn't be more perfect.  It is the biggest rush EVER. 
Three months later, it is 5:05am..I just finished nursing and Lucy is laying next to me...staring deep in my eyes and grinning so big.  I can't imagine how I lived without her.  How was our family complete? 

She is here.

Well, I made it.
Lucy Clementine arrived June 15th, at 2:45pm.  She weighed 7lbs 4oz and was 20 inches long.  She is perfect.

Our family is complete.

Lakeside Park

such a beautiful day today.

Hide and Seek.

I am thankful for today.

Inspiration and Calm Today.

I received an encouraging note from a new friend yesterday, and this really hit me hard.

 "I recommend meditating on anything that might be holding your body back. The mind-body connection in labor and birth is strong and really pretty amazing. If we don't feel safe in some way, our body won't release naturally."

I started thinking about this and I realized how much stress I have made for myself this last week.  Pouring over every unknown detail and worrying about things I have no control over.  Today will be different.  Today will be calm.  Today I will comb my mind to remember the things that inspire me.  Hopefully after a day where I find a safe spot within, I can entice Lucy to join me in it.

Because I rely heavily on visual stimulation to inspire me, today's post is all the things I have found that my eyes have fallen in love with lately.

Yellow and Gray.

The juxtapose of calmness and strength of gray to the boldness and audacity of yellow excites me.  I simply love it.  My living room, dining room, and entry way have been transformed by this color play.  I love living in this new space.

A mess of pretty colors.

Led Zeppelin.

Yes....I said it.  I remember going through a phase in high school where I consumed myself with music from the 60s.  I couldn't get enough of Pink Floyd, The Doors, Led Zeppelin, Cream, Rolling Stones, CCR, Frank Zappa, and The Grateful Dead.  It is my appreciation for that sound that has shaped most of taste in music.  Since then it has led me all over the place, and now there isn't much that I don't enjoy as long as I feel connected to the lyrics and it makes me feel those butterflies I first felt when I listened to this song:

Something about the sound of this song is just so powerful. Usually when I am not inspired by anything new, I take the time to let myself rediscover some old music loves.  I just can't get enough. Seriously...turn it up...do you hear that?  That guitar and harmonica? Holy hell...I love it. If you visit my house, it is most likely that my record player will be on, and an old zeppelin album will be playing. 

 It makes my ears happy.

be thankful for what you have, mommy...

please lucy?



Please Lucy? Please come out....You have been in there for 39 weeks and 5 days now.  Don't you think it is time to come out and greet the world? What are you waiting for?Mommy feels miserable.  I am trying to stay patient and calm, but honestly, I am feeling at my wit's end today. 

I have spent the last two pregnancies, labors, and deliveries, trusting my body, whole- heartedly.  I have listened, and responded.  I have been in pain, and breathed through it.  I have felt honored and have cherished the ability to carry healthy babies.  I know that part of being pregnant is having all kinds of worries and emotions, and I have worked really hard to work through them and stay in control of my fears.  Today though, I am feeling quite differently.  I am wondering if my body has forgotten how.  I have made it 3 weeks now, dilated to almost 4 cm, and 95% effaced, but for some reason, I am missing the contractions.  Is it going to do what it is meant to do?  I am scared today that I won't complete this last task, and end up being induced or having a c-section.  I want so bad for this to come naturally.  I don't want any drugs to 'speed' things up.  I don't want surgery.  I don't want pain medication.  I don't want it to be a procedure.  I am just nervous.

I find myself sitting and watching the clock all day.  Waiting each hour out.  I worry about the time of day my contractions may start.  Will it be in the middle of the night? Will I be able to find someone to take the kids? Will I be able to reach my husband?  I worry that it will be during the morning...who will pick up the kids from school?  How will I get them the car seats?  Will it be in the afternoon?  Where are the girls going to go?  How is Roxie going to get outside and fed?  All I do is find myself drifting off and fretting over the most frivolous of things.  It is so hard for me to not be consumed.  And the worries of Lucy, how will labor go?  Will something go wrong?  Will she be OK when she comes out? Will her heart beat normal, breath, grasp, and have all her fingers and toes? 

The anticipation is killing me.  I need this to be over so I can have my answers.  My days feel stale, I am eager to get on with this challenge. 

The refreshing part of it is getting to see her beautiful face...knowing that it has just begun.  I am ready for it.  Beyond ready.

The Final Countdown

Official Countdown: 10 days.
My blogging stopped a while ago because my laptop was broken.  There was no way I was going to sit in my basement and blog...it was way to cold.  Now, sadly, I have noticed I missed out on capturing most of my pregnancy for me to remember.  I wish I could also say that I enjoyed it.
Now that the end is near, and enjoying the comfort of my couch, I sit and think back to the last nine months.  I am so ready to have her here with us.  This pregnancy has been a test for me...for my patience, my body, my mind, my soul.  It has been the most painful nine months of my life.  And even though I marvel at my body for what it is capable of, I also am so ready to not have to share it with anyone.
The best part of this pregnancy has been feeling movement.  I will miss this terribly.  I love feeling every kick, hiccup, and somersault of dear Lucy's.  I remember the feeling of emptiness after delivery...placing my hand upon my tummy, instinctively, and feeling nothing.  Through all of this, I know I will do this.  Saddened that the honor of carrying her, and providing a way into this life for her, is accomplished.  And being my last pregnancy, I am also thinking of the fact that what makes me woman, is no longer needed.  It has no job left to do, no feeling of purpose of creation.  I will miss my ability to conceive and to carry....even though I am content in saying my family is now complete.
Surviving the last 10 days or so, will be the last leg of this journey to meet our Lucy Clementine. Even though, I am not sure I will make it, I am eager to endure.
My 39 week doctor appointment is tomorrow friends.  I am hoping I hear good news.  Last week at this time I was 3 cm dilated and 95% effaced.  Her head was fully engaged and she even swept my membranes.  Lucy is no hurry to greet the world.  I have to remain patient and know that when my body is ready to let go of her, it will happen. 
Until then, I am occupying my time devouring anything that gives me strength to make it through my labor and delivery.  I am reading any positive letter or article that reminds me to be quiet, listen and trust my body, and to breath through every moment, until she is finally here.
I am so excited to meet her.  I cannot wait to see what she looks like, how she loves, and who she becomes.

Crusing Right Along...

Tomorrow I will be 9 weeks pregnant. I am not sure what happened to the last 5 weeks knowing, but I do know that the next 5 weeks will go just as fast. I remember being pregnant with the girls around the holidays, that it went so fast. The months of November and December barely existed in the pregnancies. I am sure that I will blink a few times and wake up the first week of January after all the hustle is over and find myself 17 weeks....almost half way and wonder where it has gone. So, I will take these last couple weeks before the madness begins and live in the calm.

I am showing now... I think by the third pregnancy, my body is a master at giving way, so maternity clothes it is! Note: I loathe maternity clothes. Sure, there are some cute ones out there...but only the ones that don't appear to be maternity. I am just not a fan. You will find me in black cotton yoga pants and a cotton shirt and cardigan from here on out.
We had family photos taken a couple weeks ago, and they turned out beautiful. As soon as I get the CD, I will make sure and post them... sifting through them has made me realize how old my girls are getting, and how absolutely beautiful they are becoming. Not cute toddlers, but gorgeous girls.
Ruby brought home a couple love letters last week from her admirer at school. Elliot. An older man in kindergarten, 2 years older than her. I bumped into him and his parents at parent teacher conferences and his mom explained to me that he talks about her at home all the time and is enamored by blonde haired blue eyed girls. Personally, I think it is cute and harmless, but Jon is less then enthused. He already is the protective father... it is so cute how he worries about the girls...and wants to protect them. A boy on the playground that seems a little to interested in the girls gets a watchful eye from him. It is heartwarming...but at the same time, I know that I started having crushes when I was young like them...always interested in winning the affections from the cute boys on the playground. And I am sure Jon was a little Romeo as a child. Harmless crushes are normal for young children.
Please send positive energy my way. We found out that my dear Aunt Jean, who has been nothing less than a mother to my mom and a grandma to me has bone cancer. I am asking for vibes of pain control. Bone cancer can be such a painful end, that it just scares me. Death is horrible...something I do not understand about living. And especially death from horrible cancers... screw you cancer.

Missing out on my girls

I feel like I have been so consumed in surviving the first few weeks of this pregnancy, that I haven't enjoyed the two beautiful girls already here. I have had a great last week, despite the exhaustion.

I got to visit with a dear friend that moved to oregon a few times. It was so nice to see her, and her daughter's beautiful smiling face. I was so excited to be with them that I completely forgot to take photos of them. Fail. The girl's had fun playing with Maya at the park, and I had a great time eating spinich and feta quiche, despite the tornados. I just hope she and her family find happiness wherever they end up...although I would be lieing if I said that I hope it is in Oregon. She makes me smile, and I admire her so much. I think the most beautiful thing is watching her grow into a mother, and its hard to see that when she lives across the country.

We went to fright night downtown. It is so nice when Fort Wayne makes use of the downtown potential.... we enjoy it everytime. The girls had fun dressing up in thier costumes and seeing our friends Lish, Matt, and thier beautiful girls, but at the same time, were pretty terrified of the large concentration of zombies. Still nice to get out and about with my loves.

Ruby got her first love note this week as well. I opened her bookbag to find two color line drawings with the name "Elliot" in a heart on the back. When I asked Ruby what they were, she said, "well....he likes me.....and I like his art." I guess I can live with that. Either way, childhood crushes are about the cutest thing in the world. It takes me back to the playground as a child, chasing the boys....

I am 7 weeks 4 days along today....still a long way off. Still making it through. My morning naps make all the difference in the world. I can't wait to feel the first kick...

Until then, I plan to enjoy lots of moments with just my girls.

will this exhaustion end?

i am tired.
beyond tired.
like there is a fleet of baby elephants dangling from my eyelids all day.
like i am taken a handful of ambien.
Nothing I do fixes this... no matter how much I sleep, or if I fit in a nap, I am still tired.
On the plus side, there is no morning sickness yet, so I guess it is better to be tired than it is to get sick all day.
It amazes me how this pregnancy is so different than the last two. With the girls I was sick all the time. I was a server at a resturaunt when I was pregnant with Delaney, and the constant changes of smells in food cooking and taking orders from customers of what they wanted to eat put my in the bathroom almost after every order. Ruby was different. I luckily stayed home with her pregnancy. The only downside was, Delaney was only 6 months old when I learned I was pregnant. This meant that every morning when she woke up screaming because she was hungry, I stood over the sink making a bottle and feeding her, and puking down the drain....EVERY MORNING. That was horrible.
When I decided to have another, I was so worried about the sickness again. But this time... there is none. Just extreme exhaustion, and extreme breast tenderness.
My mind can't help but wonder sometimes, why this pregnancy is so different? Has there been such a gap between kids that my body is reacting different? Is something wrong with this pregnancy? Are my hormones responding right to this one? Is this little one I am carrying a boy?
My first doctor's appointment is on November 18th. I have to wait another 3 weeks before I find out if I am ok.... if the baby is ok. Such a long wait. Why do they not want to see me before 10 weeks pregnant....don't they understand that there is such a huge thing happening with me?
I would think with my third one, I would have my shit together....but I don't. It has been so long that I feel like this is my first one all over again. What am I doing?

Another week done.

Yesterday marked being 6 weeks pregnant for me. Still so early! With my girls this is the week I found out my life was changing... so I feel lucky to have been able to enjoy these extra two weeks knowing. Even though most people know by now, it is as though I have this little secret growing inside me, and it is wonderful. I am still feeling well despite the extreme exhaustion. I feel that at any moment, I could close my eyes and fall asleep. I start out strong in the morning, but by 11, I need a rest. Hopefully soon I will regain some sort of energy because keeping up with a three and four year old takes a lot.

My little one looks like this:

Baby is finally starting to look like a baby.

She is half the size of a baby pea.

Dark spots are forming that will soon be eyes.

Indentations on the sides of the head will be ears.

Tiny buds will soon be arms and legs.

The most amazing thing of all is that there is a heartbeat....she is real.

My pants are feeling a little tighter. My jeans are feeling uncomfortable around the waist...but I can still button them. I have decided to opt for my cotton yoga pants..most days of the week.

Everything aside...I am thrilled everyday to get to wake up and be pregnant. I cannot wait for everyday to begin, because I am one more closer to meet out new little one. I wonder what this one will be like? Will they be sensitive like Delaney? Will they a natural center of attention like Ruby? Will they be structured like Jon? Or will they be a tender heart...like me?

Lakeside Park

what a beautiful day for the park today.

had a wonderful time with jon and the girls.

inspiration for nursery

Love.

Good Morning.

These peaceful mornings are doing good things for my soul.

I am still feeling wonderful today. With no morning sickness yet, I can't help but wonder how little one is doing. After two extrememly sick pregnancies, I can tell that this one feels so different. Is the pregnancy just different? Or is something wrong? There is so much fear the first few months of pregnancy. With something so delicate...anything can go wrong. All I can do is hope for a healthy baby, and that everything is ok. It this one is easy though, I will be extremely thankful.

5 weeks and 3 days today.

Looking forward to a day of creating with my girls. I have tissue paper ghosts planned to make and hang around the house. I love having the time to sit and watch my girls make things. Children's curiosity and imagination amaze me. It is boundless.

I am very thankful this morning to be a stay at home mom. My husband gives me this gift so graciously and I love him so much for this. He is the most unselfish man I have ever met. I am the luckiest woman in the world.

Front Porch Pics

I love my front porch.

I love my daughters.