in bloom.

i feel so alive lately. its definately one of the times in my cycle that i am feel very intensely, the world. i have had so many great conversations with family and friends, inspired by great music, watched my garden bloom, felt a clarity with my work, and a deeper connection with my husband. its been a glorious month so far. i am enjoying...and never want the day to end.

i am one of those people that gets so completely swept up in a moment. i feeeeeel....i am so sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of those around me, and find myself completely consumed with a moment, that the weight of it, can literally crush me. i daydream to the point of being lost in own head. when i think of what it means to be alive....i cant begin to handle it...being alive? really? what does this mean? and why do i get to do it? i tend to be an introvert, not only because of my social anxiety, but just because i spend most of my time locked away in myself. i dont even know where i am sometimes. i feel silly and childish, but at the same time, proud of the fact that i will never loose that endless imagination, and horribly saddend by the fact that it is possible.

i am a silly heart.

but the thing that i am most proud of this is, i know it about myself. i have taken the time to discover these things about myself...read my actions and thoughts, and be proud of them. its ok to be these things, but with great balance. the downside? i accomplish little in the idea of tangible tasks. i never keep my house clean, make a complete meal, finish the laundry, complete a sewing project, or pay bills early. it is impossible for me. it makes my skin crawl. i drift from one task to another, without the littlest idea of how to accomplish them.

my to do lists rarely involve housekeeping. they revolve around... hug the kids, make a craft, tell my husband i love him, tell a friend i am thankful for them, tell a joke, tell someone they are beautiful, lend a hand, help, cherish, smile, laugh, act rediculous. these are the real things i want to accomplish in a day. these are things that make me feel calm while counting my blessings before i sleep. so, my days are spent trying to find a balance, but it is SO hard.

what will wake me up? i have spent years waiting for this pivital moment where i will feel like i will become an adult. but when i think of an adult, of think of a man in a suit with a straight face. i never want to grow up. i want to stay this six year old child for the rest of my life. is this ok? even after falling in love, getting married, becoming a mother, and buying a home, i still feel like i need to pinch myself.

who gave this child all this responsiblity?

could have been a better day...

well, today wasn't the best day ever, despite my efforts to get out of the house and see something new.
i was successful at picking out a few hardwood doors from a man who fixes up houses in west central neighborhood. the doors are so beautiful and show such age. my wish is to hang them vertically on the fence and build planter boxes on them to house my herb and small vegetable garden. i am excited about this. all i have to do now, is arrange a pick up with a large enough vehicle to haul them. what a wonderful project.
i decided today to try and challenge my sewing capabilities. i have been looking for a few new summer items and have turned up empty handed. everything for sale right now seems such like a throw back to the 80s and i have no desire to go down that path again. every item is littered with sequins, chains, and busy patterns. when it comes to fashion i like to keep things simple. solid colors, and flattering lines seem to do me well. i love cotton and comfortable clothes that i can feel feminine and pretty in, but do the laundry in at the same time. i have decided that i want to get back to wearing dresses this summer. i used to wear long cotton skirts most days, and always felt perfect in them. then came the maternity clothes phase in my life, where everything felt frumpy. after living that out for a few years, i felt like i lost touch with clothing in general. i am now becoming sure of what i like to wear again. so, i went to joanns and picked up a pattern for a simple dress. its a high waisted, slightly gathered, comfortable looking dress. it is something that i can see myself being at the park in...because being outside in the summer seems to happen most days. and....i hate being hot. i am nothing short of a miserable person when i get overheated. so, we will see what this venture turns out. hopefully something that i can be proud of. id like to make 5, and wear them most days of the week. what is more perfect that a wonderful summer dress and a pair of sandals?
the twist that made this day a negative one, is my children. today, i felt like an inadequate mother. my kids have been extremely challenging this last week. they have been coming up with really mean, and hateful things to say to each other, and to me. i have had play dates this week, and have been so disappointed in their words, and actions. i know that i have tried really hard to instill a sense of thankfulness, and awareness of other's feelings. this week, they have not exhibited it at all. i am currently trying to figure out what has been causing this hostility, and what i can do to remove this, so i can have my kind, patient, and generous girls back. i do miss them dearly.
another bad result of the chaotic day.....a haircut and a black permanent marker. i spent nearly two hours this evening cleaning the girls room. i sorted all the little toys...petshop animals and their accessories, my little ponies, rubber princess dolls, and dresses, dress up clothes, necklaces, hair ties, clothes....and had to rid the room of any unnecessary items for the garage sale this weekend. i also swept and shampooed the carpets. their rooms were immaculate. upon loosing myself in the whirlwind of cleaning, i discovered that i had not seen the girls for a good 15 min. so, it was time to investigate. and, i found them. sitting under my cutting table in my studio. ruby was drawing all over delaney's face, hands, and feet with black permanent marker, and delaney was giving ruby a quite boyish looking haircut. this made me furious! but honestly, being the mother i am, out of shock, i couldn't contain my smile. there has been numerous occasions in the last few weeks, where they have gotten ahold or markers and scissors, and had a very serious talks about these problems....and i couldn't believe that they would pull something like this. so tomorrow i will spend fixing ruby's hair by giving her quite a short haircut, and scrubbing marker off of delaney. i was just too exhausted after the day to tackle such a feat. hopefully no one will mistake ruby for a boy when i am done with her.
so, this is the point in the day, where i must reflect, see what i did right, and bask in it, and try to repeat it the next day, and also figure out where i faulted, and try to change that behavior into something more productive tomorrow.
all i know is, that im ready to have my husband home again. its day number 5 without him. i could use a second pair of hands, and second set of patience, and a sounding board to figure out my day.
tonight my cousin jaime is coming over. we are going to stay up late and drink some wine, and try to refresh ourselves for the brand new day that is inevitably coming.

too long of a while....

my ideas of having a fully functioning blog, for some reason, still alludes me. i read so many others, and wonder how they keep up on theirs so well. i find blogs so lovely. its as if sometimes, you are peeking in someone else's diary. i love that level of intimacy. its not on a regular basis that i would happen to talk about things that deep in a casual conversation with a friend on any given day.

so, thank goodness for blogs. they are one of those things that i just can't get enough of.

i feel so very alive in this moment. in the cycle of my awareness...it doesn't get much more intense than this. i think what triggers this, is my connection to creating things. seeing something beautiful coming from my hands makes me feel such a sense of purpose. this can translate into anything....sewing..crafting with the girls...a healthy marriage....and the most beautiful thing of all, my children. i think they are the most wonderful things i have ever created.

my sewing machine is speaking such inspiring words to me. feeling in tune with it, is...magical. sometimes i will sit and make things, and feel inept with managing the simplest things, and other times, i feel like everything that comes from it is gold.

i remember last summer having a good conversation with a new friend in my backyard who is a master of her medium. she spoke to me about redefining her artistic message. this began me on the path to finding mine. such a simple idea. everything you create, you are speaking through it. what am i trying to say with my items? are they speaking through the heart? and showcasing that in life which inspires me? i had never thought much about this. i just made things i felt were pleasing to the eye, but never felt much of owning them. this new lease on my creative journey, made me feel much more tied and involved in the things that i was making. which then made my items have much more purpose. since then, i have felt a oneness with my wares. its a direct translation of what i think is beautiful, and of the things that exist that move me.

another reason i have felt so good, is finding people to share the particular medium i work in. i have had times in the past, that i felt so archaic working with a sewing machine. i remember telling a few people that, yes, i did in fact stay home on a Saturday night and i sewed. not a whole lot of reactions from the people in my life may me feel supported. 'really? you know how to sew? who does that anymore?' but in the last 6 months i have met a whole new group of people that find that it is completely normal to own a sewing machine, and have the same passion as i do when it comes to creating things with it. i am so in LOVE with this moment. stumbling across this has seemed so monumental to me. the feeling of acceptance does wonders for my self esteem. having connections with people that share this love...just makes my heart super happy.

so, for all of these things, i feel that i am finding my creative voice. everyday i see something new that i try and translate into fabric. and each day, i engage in a solid, inspiring conversation with my sewing machine and new friends that make me feel so wonderful about it.

yay for my life right now.

yay for my sewing machine.

yoga...and longing....

so, i am loving yoga. tonight is my third class, and its simply amazing. i feel such a connection with my body, which is something i have lost having my children. most of my moments through the day consist of living for someone other than me, that i enjoy the selfish moments of yoga. i am learning a lot about how important it is to pay attention to my breathing. how breathing deep and evenly is so healing. im looking forward to tonight to reconnect with myself, breathe deeply, and work my buns off. im still in awe of how i can be standing in one position, with all muscles engaged, and be working out so intesely, without moving. its amazing. if you have never tried yoga, i highly suggest it.

tonight is also night number 6 without my husband. im having a hard time with this... it is making my apprecitation for single mothers soar. he will be off work for two days, and then will be back to work for 6 more days. i prefer days, because sleeping alone in bed is something i dont think i will ever get used to. i lay there for hours, with this feeling of waiting....but nothing happens, no one comes home....and im up at 3am, trying to convince myself that sleep is so important, but its next to impossible.

i admire my husband so much. i am thankful for him. i am lucky that i get to share the rest of my life with him. i just wish he was here! but, even tho its cliche, absence does make the heart grow fonder. when he is home....my how much i celebrate him!

but, onto a few more loads of laundry, and then off to yoga. hopefully i will come home balanced and calm and connected so that i can sleep.

:)

i wore jeans...

Today was a day for laundry and play dates...and realization.

i felt very accomplished today...laundry is almost all done. all 9 loads of it. but i do know that when i wake up, there will be more, but it is just a small yay for me.

the girls and i had a play date with lish and her girls. im sure delaney and ruby enjoyed themselves, and i needed it too. i love getting together with other girls about their age. its so interesting to see my kids get so involved with pretending. it makes me remember playing like that. what happens to adults that make us loose this gift? i wish for one day that i could honestly think i was sleeping beauty...and i ate marshmallows all day and rode a horse named buttercup. how wonderful? what an awesome escape from reality. i think that people would be happier as a whole, that we had play time. take an hour an afternoon, dress up like a princess, or ninja...and get down. i know that it would be a welcome stress reliever.

i wore jeans today too. kind of amazing for me. most of the time, i just hang out around the house in yoga pants. im a large fan of comfort, so when im going out somewhere new, with jeans on...its a big deal. so, another yay for me.

i had so many conversations with lish tonight about the kids growing up. just around the corner comes school. i have these little moments in the day, with the fact that my kids are growing up, kind of slaps me in the face.

today it was....seeing ruby in lip gloss....

nothing too substantial...but for some reason it got to me today.

questions have been brought up by them over the last couple of weeks, that have been so hard to handle. the big thing going on with my family and friends lately has been divorce. try to explain that to a three year old that its possible for people to not be in love anymore was just devastating. its sad to see a small amount of beautiful ignorance leave everyday. i knew this was inevitable, but couldnt it last a little longer? the other thing delaney has gotten curious about lately is death. what?! and how does a three year old process death? we watched the movie Up not too long ago, and in the movie, the old man's wife passes away. she asked me what that meant, and i explained to her that sometimes when people get really old, and sick, and doctors cant fix them, then they die. although not extremely sure what it means to really not see anyone anymore, she made the connection that when you get old you die. 'oh' she says. about 10 min later, on our drive home, out of the blue, she burst into tears. i asked her what was wrong and she explained to me that grandpa told her tonight that he wears glasses because he is getting old, and his eyes dont work as well anymore. upon rethinking this, she decided that grandpa was getting old, and that meant he would die soon, so she was sobbing so hard, it was hard to calm her down. i didnt know what to say....comfort was obvious, trying to explain that my dad wasnt that old, and that she didnt have to worry about that for a long time. from there, i couldnt say much else, it was just a time for her to learn this lesson about life. sitting in the front seat, helplessly looking back at my daughter, watching her eyes as she processed this, she began to look older. why do sadness and learning age you? but being born is just as normal as dieing. this began time to explain to her the importance of living so completely everyday. this is next on my list.

now, the day is over, and im in the basement, having a glass of wine, and playing online euchre. its the time to clear my head, rejuvenate, and determine myself to get through tomorrow. lead by example, and inspire her to leave a positive legacy.