be thankful for what you have, mommy...

please lucy?



Please Lucy? Please come out....You have been in there for 39 weeks and 5 days now.  Don't you think it is time to come out and greet the world? What are you waiting for?Mommy feels miserable.  I am trying to stay patient and calm, but honestly, I am feeling at my wit's end today. 

I have spent the last two pregnancies, labors, and deliveries, trusting my body, whole- heartedly.  I have listened, and responded.  I have been in pain, and breathed through it.  I have felt honored and have cherished the ability to carry healthy babies.  I know that part of being pregnant is having all kinds of worries and emotions, and I have worked really hard to work through them and stay in control of my fears.  Today though, I am feeling quite differently.  I am wondering if my body has forgotten how.  I have made it 3 weeks now, dilated to almost 4 cm, and 95% effaced, but for some reason, I am missing the contractions.  Is it going to do what it is meant to do?  I am scared today that I won't complete this last task, and end up being induced or having a c-section.  I want so bad for this to come naturally.  I don't want any drugs to 'speed' things up.  I don't want surgery.  I don't want pain medication.  I don't want it to be a procedure.  I am just nervous.

I find myself sitting and watching the clock all day.  Waiting each hour out.  I worry about the time of day my contractions may start.  Will it be in the middle of the night? Will I be able to find someone to take the kids? Will I be able to reach my husband?  I worry that it will be during the morning...who will pick up the kids from school?  How will I get them the car seats?  Will it be in the afternoon?  Where are the girls going to go?  How is Roxie going to get outside and fed?  All I do is find myself drifting off and fretting over the most frivolous of things.  It is so hard for me to not be consumed.  And the worries of Lucy, how will labor go?  Will something go wrong?  Will she be OK when she comes out? Will her heart beat normal, breath, grasp, and have all her fingers and toes? 

The anticipation is killing me.  I need this to be over so I can have my answers.  My days feel stale, I am eager to get on with this challenge. 

The refreshing part of it is getting to see her beautiful face...knowing that it has just begun.  I am ready for it.  Beyond ready.

The Final Countdown

Official Countdown: 10 days.
My blogging stopped a while ago because my laptop was broken.  There was no way I was going to sit in my basement and blog...it was way to cold.  Now, sadly, I have noticed I missed out on capturing most of my pregnancy for me to remember.  I wish I could also say that I enjoyed it.
Now that the end is near, and enjoying the comfort of my couch, I sit and think back to the last nine months.  I am so ready to have her here with us.  This pregnancy has been a test for me...for my patience, my body, my mind, my soul.  It has been the most painful nine months of my life.  And even though I marvel at my body for what it is capable of, I also am so ready to not have to share it with anyone.
The best part of this pregnancy has been feeling movement.  I will miss this terribly.  I love feeling every kick, hiccup, and somersault of dear Lucy's.  I remember the feeling of emptiness after delivery...placing my hand upon my tummy, instinctively, and feeling nothing.  Through all of this, I know I will do this.  Saddened that the honor of carrying her, and providing a way into this life for her, is accomplished.  And being my last pregnancy, I am also thinking of the fact that what makes me woman, is no longer needed.  It has no job left to do, no feeling of purpose of creation.  I will miss my ability to conceive and to carry....even though I am content in saying my family is now complete.
Surviving the last 10 days or so, will be the last leg of this journey to meet our Lucy Clementine. Even though, I am not sure I will make it, I am eager to endure.
My 39 week doctor appointment is tomorrow friends.  I am hoping I hear good news.  Last week at this time I was 3 cm dilated and 95% effaced.  Her head was fully engaged and she even swept my membranes.  Lucy is no hurry to greet the world.  I have to remain patient and know that when my body is ready to let go of her, it will happen. 
Until then, I am occupying my time devouring anything that gives me strength to make it through my labor and delivery.  I am reading any positive letter or article that reminds me to be quiet, listen and trust my body, and to breath through every moment, until she is finally here.
I am so excited to meet her.  I cannot wait to see what she looks like, how she loves, and who she becomes.

Crusing Right Along...

Tomorrow I will be 9 weeks pregnant. I am not sure what happened to the last 5 weeks knowing, but I do know that the next 5 weeks will go just as fast. I remember being pregnant with the girls around the holidays, that it went so fast. The months of November and December barely existed in the pregnancies. I am sure that I will blink a few times and wake up the first week of January after all the hustle is over and find myself 17 weeks....almost half way and wonder where it has gone. So, I will take these last couple weeks before the madness begins and live in the calm.

I am showing now... I think by the third pregnancy, my body is a master at giving way, so maternity clothes it is! Note: I loathe maternity clothes. Sure, there are some cute ones out there...but only the ones that don't appear to be maternity. I am just not a fan. You will find me in black cotton yoga pants and a cotton shirt and cardigan from here on out.
We had family photos taken a couple weeks ago, and they turned out beautiful. As soon as I get the CD, I will make sure and post them... sifting through them has made me realize how old my girls are getting, and how absolutely beautiful they are becoming. Not cute toddlers, but gorgeous girls.
Ruby brought home a couple love letters last week from her admirer at school. Elliot. An older man in kindergarten, 2 years older than her. I bumped into him and his parents at parent teacher conferences and his mom explained to me that he talks about her at home all the time and is enamored by blonde haired blue eyed girls. Personally, I think it is cute and harmless, but Jon is less then enthused. He already is the protective father... it is so cute how he worries about the girls...and wants to protect them. A boy on the playground that seems a little to interested in the girls gets a watchful eye from him. It is heartwarming...but at the same time, I know that I started having crushes when I was young like them...always interested in winning the affections from the cute boys on the playground. And I am sure Jon was a little Romeo as a child. Harmless crushes are normal for young children.
Please send positive energy my way. We found out that my dear Aunt Jean, who has been nothing less than a mother to my mom and a grandma to me has bone cancer. I am asking for vibes of pain control. Bone cancer can be such a painful end, that it just scares me. Death is horrible...something I do not understand about living. And especially death from horrible cancers... screw you cancer.

Missing out on my girls

I feel like I have been so consumed in surviving the first few weeks of this pregnancy, that I haven't enjoyed the two beautiful girls already here. I have had a great last week, despite the exhaustion.

I got to visit with a dear friend that moved to oregon a few times. It was so nice to see her, and her daughter's beautiful smiling face. I was so excited to be with them that I completely forgot to take photos of them. Fail. The girl's had fun playing with Maya at the park, and I had a great time eating spinich and feta quiche, despite the tornados. I just hope she and her family find happiness wherever they end up...although I would be lieing if I said that I hope it is in Oregon. She makes me smile, and I admire her so much. I think the most beautiful thing is watching her grow into a mother, and its hard to see that when she lives across the country.

We went to fright night downtown. It is so nice when Fort Wayne makes use of the downtown potential.... we enjoy it everytime. The girls had fun dressing up in thier costumes and seeing our friends Lish, Matt, and thier beautiful girls, but at the same time, were pretty terrified of the large concentration of zombies. Still nice to get out and about with my loves.

Ruby got her first love note this week as well. I opened her bookbag to find two color line drawings with the name "Elliot" in a heart on the back. When I asked Ruby what they were, she said, "well....he likes me.....and I like his art." I guess I can live with that. Either way, childhood crushes are about the cutest thing in the world. It takes me back to the playground as a child, chasing the boys....

I am 7 weeks 4 days along today....still a long way off. Still making it through. My morning naps make all the difference in the world. I can't wait to feel the first kick...

Until then, I plan to enjoy lots of moments with just my girls.

will this exhaustion end?

i am tired.
beyond tired.
like there is a fleet of baby elephants dangling from my eyelids all day.
like i am taken a handful of ambien.
Nothing I do fixes this... no matter how much I sleep, or if I fit in a nap, I am still tired.
On the plus side, there is no morning sickness yet, so I guess it is better to be tired than it is to get sick all day.
It amazes me how this pregnancy is so different than the last two. With the girls I was sick all the time. I was a server at a resturaunt when I was pregnant with Delaney, and the constant changes of smells in food cooking and taking orders from customers of what they wanted to eat put my in the bathroom almost after every order. Ruby was different. I luckily stayed home with her pregnancy. The only downside was, Delaney was only 6 months old when I learned I was pregnant. This meant that every morning when she woke up screaming because she was hungry, I stood over the sink making a bottle and feeding her, and puking down the drain....EVERY MORNING. That was horrible.
When I decided to have another, I was so worried about the sickness again. But this time... there is none. Just extreme exhaustion, and extreme breast tenderness.
My mind can't help but wonder sometimes, why this pregnancy is so different? Has there been such a gap between kids that my body is reacting different? Is something wrong with this pregnancy? Are my hormones responding right to this one? Is this little one I am carrying a boy?
My first doctor's appointment is on November 18th. I have to wait another 3 weeks before I find out if I am ok.... if the baby is ok. Such a long wait. Why do they not want to see me before 10 weeks pregnant....don't they understand that there is such a huge thing happening with me?
I would think with my third one, I would have my shit together....but I don't. It has been so long that I feel like this is my first one all over again. What am I doing?