Lakeside Park

such a beautiful day today.

Hide and Seek.

I am thankful for today.

Inspiration and Calm Today.

I received an encouraging note from a new friend yesterday, and this really hit me hard.

 "I recommend meditating on anything that might be holding your body back. The mind-body connection in labor and birth is strong and really pretty amazing. If we don't feel safe in some way, our body won't release naturally."

I started thinking about this and I realized how much stress I have made for myself this last week.  Pouring over every unknown detail and worrying about things I have no control over.  Today will be different.  Today will be calm.  Today I will comb my mind to remember the things that inspire me.  Hopefully after a day where I find a safe spot within, I can entice Lucy to join me in it.

Because I rely heavily on visual stimulation to inspire me, today's post is all the things I have found that my eyes have fallen in love with lately.

Yellow and Gray.

The juxtapose of calmness and strength of gray to the boldness and audacity of yellow excites me.  I simply love it.  My living room, dining room, and entry way have been transformed by this color play.  I love living in this new space.

A mess of pretty colors.

Led Zeppelin.

Yes....I said it.  I remember going through a phase in high school where I consumed myself with music from the 60s.  I couldn't get enough of Pink Floyd, The Doors, Led Zeppelin, Cream, Rolling Stones, CCR, Frank Zappa, and The Grateful Dead.  It is my appreciation for that sound that has shaped most of taste in music.  Since then it has led me all over the place, and now there isn't much that I don't enjoy as long as I feel connected to the lyrics and it makes me feel those butterflies I first felt when I listened to this song:

Something about the sound of this song is just so powerful. Usually when I am not inspired by anything new, I take the time to let myself rediscover some old music loves.  I just can't get enough. Seriously...turn it up...do you hear that?  That guitar and harmonica? Holy hell...I love it. If you visit my house, it is most likely that my record player will be on, and an old zeppelin album will be playing. 

 It makes my ears happy.

be thankful for what you have, mommy...

please lucy?



Please Lucy? Please come out....You have been in there for 39 weeks and 5 days now.  Don't you think it is time to come out and greet the world? What are you waiting for?Mommy feels miserable.  I am trying to stay patient and calm, but honestly, I am feeling at my wit's end today. 

I have spent the last two pregnancies, labors, and deliveries, trusting my body, whole- heartedly.  I have listened, and responded.  I have been in pain, and breathed through it.  I have felt honored and have cherished the ability to carry healthy babies.  I know that part of being pregnant is having all kinds of worries and emotions, and I have worked really hard to work through them and stay in control of my fears.  Today though, I am feeling quite differently.  I am wondering if my body has forgotten how.  I have made it 3 weeks now, dilated to almost 4 cm, and 95% effaced, but for some reason, I am missing the contractions.  Is it going to do what it is meant to do?  I am scared today that I won't complete this last task, and end up being induced or having a c-section.  I want so bad for this to come naturally.  I don't want any drugs to 'speed' things up.  I don't want surgery.  I don't want pain medication.  I don't want it to be a procedure.  I am just nervous.

I find myself sitting and watching the clock all day.  Waiting each hour out.  I worry about the time of day my contractions may start.  Will it be in the middle of the night? Will I be able to find someone to take the kids? Will I be able to reach my husband?  I worry that it will be during the morning...who will pick up the kids from school?  How will I get them the car seats?  Will it be in the afternoon?  Where are the girls going to go?  How is Roxie going to get outside and fed?  All I do is find myself drifting off and fretting over the most frivolous of things.  It is so hard for me to not be consumed.  And the worries of Lucy, how will labor go?  Will something go wrong?  Will she be OK when she comes out? Will her heart beat normal, breath, grasp, and have all her fingers and toes? 

The anticipation is killing me.  I need this to be over so I can have my answers.  My days feel stale, I am eager to get on with this challenge. 

The refreshing part of it is getting to see her beautiful face...knowing that it has just begun.  I am ready for it.  Beyond ready.

The Final Countdown

Official Countdown: 10 days.
My blogging stopped a while ago because my laptop was broken.  There was no way I was going to sit in my basement and blog...it was way to cold.  Now, sadly, I have noticed I missed out on capturing most of my pregnancy for me to remember.  I wish I could also say that I enjoyed it.
Now that the end is near, and enjoying the comfort of my couch, I sit and think back to the last nine months.  I am so ready to have her here with us.  This pregnancy has been a test for me...for my patience, my body, my mind, my soul.  It has been the most painful nine months of my life.  And even though I marvel at my body for what it is capable of, I also am so ready to not have to share it with anyone.
The best part of this pregnancy has been feeling movement.  I will miss this terribly.  I love feeling every kick, hiccup, and somersault of dear Lucy's.  I remember the feeling of emptiness after delivery...placing my hand upon my tummy, instinctively, and feeling nothing.  Through all of this, I know I will do this.  Saddened that the honor of carrying her, and providing a way into this life for her, is accomplished.  And being my last pregnancy, I am also thinking of the fact that what makes me woman, is no longer needed.  It has no job left to do, no feeling of purpose of creation.  I will miss my ability to conceive and to carry....even though I am content in saying my family is now complete.
Surviving the last 10 days or so, will be the last leg of this journey to meet our Lucy Clementine. Even though, I am not sure I will make it, I am eager to endure.
My 39 week doctor appointment is tomorrow friends.  I am hoping I hear good news.  Last week at this time I was 3 cm dilated and 95% effaced.  Her head was fully engaged and she even swept my membranes.  Lucy is no hurry to greet the world.  I have to remain patient and know that when my body is ready to let go of her, it will happen. 
Until then, I am occupying my time devouring anything that gives me strength to make it through my labor and delivery.  I am reading any positive letter or article that reminds me to be quiet, listen and trust my body, and to breath through every moment, until she is finally here.
I am so excited to meet her.  I cannot wait to see what she looks like, how she loves, and who she becomes.

Crusing Right Along...

Tomorrow I will be 9 weeks pregnant. I am not sure what happened to the last 5 weeks knowing, but I do know that the next 5 weeks will go just as fast. I remember being pregnant with the girls around the holidays, that it went so fast. The months of November and December barely existed in the pregnancies. I am sure that I will blink a few times and wake up the first week of January after all the hustle is over and find myself 17 weeks....almost half way and wonder where it has gone. So, I will take these last couple weeks before the madness begins and live in the calm.

I am showing now... I think by the third pregnancy, my body is a master at giving way, so maternity clothes it is! Note: I loathe maternity clothes. Sure, there are some cute ones out there...but only the ones that don't appear to be maternity. I am just not a fan. You will find me in black cotton yoga pants and a cotton shirt and cardigan from here on out.
We had family photos taken a couple weeks ago, and they turned out beautiful. As soon as I get the CD, I will make sure and post them... sifting through them has made me realize how old my girls are getting, and how absolutely beautiful they are becoming. Not cute toddlers, but gorgeous girls.
Ruby brought home a couple love letters last week from her admirer at school. Elliot. An older man in kindergarten, 2 years older than her. I bumped into him and his parents at parent teacher conferences and his mom explained to me that he talks about her at home all the time and is enamored by blonde haired blue eyed girls. Personally, I think it is cute and harmless, but Jon is less then enthused. He already is the protective father... it is so cute how he worries about the girls...and wants to protect them. A boy on the playground that seems a little to interested in the girls gets a watchful eye from him. It is heartwarming...but at the same time, I know that I started having crushes when I was young like them...always interested in winning the affections from the cute boys on the playground. And I am sure Jon was a little Romeo as a child. Harmless crushes are normal for young children.
Please send positive energy my way. We found out that my dear Aunt Jean, who has been nothing less than a mother to my mom and a grandma to me has bone cancer. I am asking for vibes of pain control. Bone cancer can be such a painful end, that it just scares me. Death is horrible...something I do not understand about living. And especially death from horrible cancers... screw you cancer.